DAY 38
Tuesday JUNE 7 2005
Today I firm up all my plans and head to Paris on the high speed train. I would have taken the cheaper bus but couldn't stand the idea of the extra 5 hours of enforced inactivity that would entail.
Many hours later...
I contented myself with a book on the train and the 5 hours passed surprisingly quickly. However I am baffled by something and it goes like this:
When the train reached Gare de Nord Paris and stopped we all got our luggage and was ready to debark. I had a flash of fear and apprehension. I was scared. I asked myself why? Why would I be scared of Paris. I know parts of this city like I know my own hometown. My answer, apparently, was that I am scarred of being adrift in the sea of humanity with no one or nothing to connect to of any kind and in any way. I pushed passed it and left the train. Apparently I was breathing pretty heavily as a man gave me concerned looks. It was not due to any exertion.
What happened to me? What happened to the young confident girl I know?
What happened to the Darlitia that would go sailing all by herself in rain or shine? Once in a storm with white caps all around me I went forward to lower the jib and all most fell overboard. Would anyone have known? No, I was in it alone. The ship would have sailed on without me and I would have had to make a long, slow, scary swim to shore.
What happened to the girl who would go off mountain cycling by herself even when there were warning sighs to be careful (which I was) as there was unexploded military ammunition about? (That area has since been barred from all public.)
What happened to the girl who went cycling alone and did an endo, injured with bones sticking out of her arms, only to be found by strangers (because she was alone) and yet remained undaunted and went cycling again as soon as the surgeon would allow it?
What happened to the girl that loves to travel, just like a kid lost in a garden maze, grinningly running, exploring every outlet with giggles and laughter, as I have done in the past in a new city always alone?
What happened to the courageous girl my sixth grade teacher, Mr. Warnke, praised in front of the whole class because even injured with a gimp leg and after being slightly unconscious I still got up and finished the soccer game?
What happened to the girl that wouldn't be daunted and traveled all of western Europe by herself?
I don't know where she is, but I know where she isn't. She is not on vacation with me!
I am utterly baffled. Paris was supposed to be my consolation prize. I anticipated coming here and feeling that old comfortable feeling of subdued happiness. I negotiated the city streets and subways from memory alone and with ease. I made it to my hotel without mishap. Yet there was no gentle inner happiness, no pride of a job well done, no joy of being back in my favorite city in the world. Nothing. Just an undefined hovering concern.
I am utterly baffled. This is just not like me.
The interior courtyard of my hotel.
Many hours later...
This is the way I felt before I ate.
After I checked in to my hotel I went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. I realized as I ordered my food that it was the first real meal of the day aside from the yogurt cup I had for breakfast at Marjet's house and a sugar snack later in the day. That was 13 hours ago. When will I learn to eat on a regular basis so I don't bonk? (sigh) Then I went back to the hotel and located two good hostels one in Paris for tomorrow and one in Prague. I now have a map to both. So you see, a little food puts everything into perspective. Now I am ready to move on to Prague, but first Paris.